Car crash today

so was driving home after work.... i fell asleep at the wheel.... sent the lady to the hospital with major back pain...my neck chest and face are sore from the airbag........ we are both lucky nothing major happen.... went to kaiser doc says I am ok.... was given a few sleeping pills.......

here are some pics of my car

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hope this movie is good when it comes out really wanna see this :)

ICE CREAM RAIN DROPS (hahahah)

Rain drops knock on my roof
Drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop
Then drop-drop, drip-drip, drop-drop
Sound like ice-ice, cream-cream, ice-cream

Rain drops take me out for ice-cream
Buy me one scoop of chocolate flavor
"One scoop? No!!! I want more than one"
Drop-drop, drip-drip, drop-drop, make-it-two-scoops

Rain drops buy me two scoops
"Humm only two? How about three?
No no, make it four scoops!"
Drop-drop, drip-drip, drop-drop, make-it-four-scoops

Rain drops knock on my head
Drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop, share-me-some
Flip-flip, flop-flop, flip-flop, I walk
"I won't share, I'll munch it alone!"

collection of poems from april - aug

FLOWER

You tried to crush me like a flower..
With all your strength, and all your power.
Holding me tightly in your grasp,
So cruelly, so hatefully, until at last...

Therese no more beauty left to see..
The delicate petals that used to be me.
You've finally destroyed with your cruel mite,
Now all that's left is an ugly sight.



NIGHTMARES


Night is falling, the streetlamps shining through my window
I feel the tingle of the shadows on my neck
my heart begins to race

I feel the coming on of the nightly terror
the utterly incapacitating fear of solitude
I'm alone
but still
the worst is yet to come

The slithering creatures emerge from my mind
mere delusions that only I see
but they are terrifyingly real

Grasping my heart in an iron vice
they kill me again
and again
until my deaths number in hundreds
and still I cannot escape

The horrible feeling of no control
no hope
no life
and even worse
it is all my fault


LOVE OF MY HEART

The love in my heart
is the love i know best
Its what keeps me awake at night
and happy through the day
Its what makes me want to protect you
even though I'm not that strong
Its what makes me feel invincible
even though I'm clearly not
But most of all its what keeps me alive
knowing i have a purpose
To give you all the love in my heart

WAITING FOR YOU


It's pretty amazing to me,
Just how amazingly pretty you are.
I feel like I already know so much about you.
Your beauty, kindness, but most important,
Your loving heart...

I'll admit I feel alone at times,
But I do my best to carry on.
Because that's the only way I'll ever find you.
Like so many others before me,
I just have to carry on...

I feel like you're almost here,
And, yet, almost is still so far away.
But I can't control time,
I can only live day by day...

I've been waiting so long now,
For what I've been born to do.
And that's to show you what it's like,
To have someone so deeply in love with you...

I've done my time and taken mental notes,
As other couples have passed me by.
And I'll let you in on a little secret,
I'm going to surpass them all,
And I'll tell you why...

It's not that they didn't know,
How to love someone, or what do do.
It all comes down to me being blessed,
To be the one who gets to love you...

And as I wait for tomorrow,
I'll do what it takes,
To continue to be strong.
You will know my love some day.
But until that day comes,
I'll just have to carry on.

In The Night

In the still of night
a shrill scream
just one
then...hush.



Morning dawns
zombie like motions
green eyes I don't recall
stare at a face that's not mine.

Trembling fingers
lather skin too tanned
the tattoo....
surely not mine?

But wait...
fog clearing
for a moment only
...the needle...

Focus...focus

Head thumping
clouds return
pictures flash
yet elude...

Hair color wrong
style perfect but...
but what?
...not mine...

Cold tiles on damp skin
sliding slowly down
I crouch
tasting salt.

Panic mounts
heart pounding
piercing scream
"Who am I"?

Focus...focus

The needle....

mom

I got home from work at 805 this morning jump right into bed... because I was super tired.... I get a phone call around 3pm from my sister saying that my mother is in the hospital.... oh let me back up here.... so a few years ago my mother just take off... don't tell anyone where she is and has not desire to see the family.. if u know me well i don't really like to talk about this.... so anyways... I get this call my sister tells me where she at....... it got me all upset..... was not sure if u wanted to go or not... on the way there was thinking so much...... about how my own mother was going to act..... i stood out her door for a good 10 mins just thinking....... trying to prep my self what was about to come.... walk in and take a deep breath...... she was sleeping and wake up........ when i saw her brown eyes lock with mine i just cryed so did she...... i could not form words or move......she had changed.... i missed her.... after all this time....... she gave me a hug and was so glad to see me..... and this made me cry even more because after all this time she never once called to see how I was doing or whats new with my life..... i spent about a good 1.5 hour with her told her whats new in my life and all my accomplishments...... my mother comment on how different one looks....she thinks im too skinny lol.........anyways i know things are gonna go back the way they are......i know the next time i see her will be when she is gone...... i really hate this... but what can i do... ever since my own fater died when I was 2 she went into her own little world where she wants to be all alone......its so sad....

my new dog

hes super cute and just so sweet I got lucky his name is buddy and he dont bark which is a good thing............ hes 6 months now

4 months

well its almost been 4 months since we break up... and I still feel like I want to cry :( sometimes I do when I try and sleep I just lay there thinking about it..... I can honestly say he is my first love.... his sweet kisses use to send me to the moon and back...oh how I miss them days.... I miss his parents to I really liked them they were so kind to me..... sigh... I wash we could work things out..... a year and 3 months come on... we did not fight or anything...... I wish we could have talked this out....or if u really wanted me to play games with him like wow I would have.... I would do just about anything for him.....hes a sweet guy simple and I like that about him....... hes a guy u can trust........ i still get uneasy feeling in my stomach when we talk....... the same feeling I had the first day I saw him.......


honestly I wish we would get back together... but hes got this pride its like hes jealous of me working... and me spending money to see him.... that is what people do......he feels so low of him self.... he says I want the American dream..... honestly not sure if I want kids..... its a big task... all be happy if I have a roof over my head and im in a safe area......... I was trying to tell him that I would live in a trailer park if that was in store for us.......I love ray that much....... he don't understand that....... honestly I would have moved there for him I would have tried so hard.... because I hate being a way from him.....and I miss pinching his cute nipps or hanging on his back while he played wow..... I just wish a second chance was in store for us??????





so anyways here is a NEW poem that I made the other day...



i strode right to the ends of this earth and here i will stay.
frozen. betrayed.
my life shattered like broken ice.
my body numb like in the dead of winter.

i cant feel much, but when i do
i dedicate my hate you.

i dwell beneath the snow and i tunnel to the darkened, cold waters.
Hell knows better than to step in my path.

My heart will never melt because of you.
And everyday my eyes grow colder and my limbs begin to snap.
but never will i fall

this white world is mine.
my frozen kingdom shines.
it called my name and i answered.
forever, here ill stay.

frozen. betrayed.

what's left of my soul

The last few months have been real hard for me....trying to deal with many things going on inside......I let it go too far this time.... cover it up with a smile and act like nothing is wrong but eat away inside...... well my mom just up and left we don't know where she is......we see her around town every now and then but she has no desire to see how the family is doing...she could care less....then my bf who I love so much and would do anything for tells me its over out of no where......and is really shot and don't give much reason why...... which left to think... I just try so hard and feel like no one cares or even gives a dam about me..... just wish this feeling would go away.... and I could not deal with it anymore.... no matter how many miles I run or how many weights i life or things I buy its always about him....... I am always thinking was it me did I love to much not enough... so I end up taking about 8000MG of pain pills and went to sleep.....my dad found me and rush me to kaiser..... I had my stomach pumped and had to talk with the nurse from the mental heath ward at kaiser on the 6th floor...... I just cried and cried so hard and told her why........all the things just came out....... and no matter how hard I try it is never good enough....... guys don't like me cuz im a bit chubby.. or have some reason not to like me... or want some fucking model type what about the sweet romantic type.... don't they count.... so she gave me some advise... and wants me to meet with her at least 3 more times..... as a fallow up........

my family is so upset that I could do something so stupid over a guy that dump me for reasons unexplained

pulled

well lets just say tomorrow at 3 im getting back teeth pulled and the nerv pain should go away after this I sure hope so cuz man.....anyways wish me luck kinda nervous even tho its no big thing......

I still love you RAYMOND LIANG

If I could write you a letter,
Of how I really feel,
I hope I could convince you,
That this is all real.

There's really no other way to say it,
But you're always on my mind,
And whenever your around,
I leave every other thought behind,

I love your gorgeous smile,
It seems to knock the wind out of me,
I can't seem to take control,
In your arms; is where I want to be.

I love the sound of your voice,
It fills my heart with an indescribable feeling,
That not even I can explain,
Each time I hear it, I fall in love all over again.

You have a way of making me feel,
Like nothing can hurt me when you're around
And that no matter what happens,
You'll be there If I fall to the ground.

There is no one else in the world,
That makes me feel this way,
No body else,
Makes me stutter over the words I say.

There is really no right way to say it,
but I love you with all my heart,
Nothings been that clear,
since I saw you at the very start

poem by Nelson

"You're so beautiful",
the first words you said to me
From that day on
you had me lifted up off my feet
Something tells me that we'll always be the same
And everyday I pray to god
that you never change

If i was colorblind,
you would shine in rainbows
Since you're my lucky charm
i need no pot of gold
I still dream about that first most perfect kiss
And only two words describe it,
Magically Delicious

GAY rallly called meet in the middle

WOW I had the chance to attend this yesterday.... let me just say could not get over how thousands of people attend this thing...... it was really moving... and I know at some point things will change its just a matter of when.. anyways here is a video of what happen.... hope u all enjoy this and don't let the ruling of prop 8 get u down..... are time will come...

Remember when

I heard this song when driving listening to deliah and it made me cry a little bit my new fav song

Puppy Named Buddy

hey everyone just wanted to say so happy that I got a new puppy hes everything I wanted and more..... he loves me so much super sweet..... he loves to lick me to death..... all post a pic of him on here..... I must say its nice coming home after a long day at work to have someone miss me that much.... its cute...... ^_^ im getting licked as we speek buddy stop licking my toes hahahahahah it tickles hahahahahh

with in the last 2 weeks

ok so the last 2 weeks a lot of changes have happen..... so first off I lost more weight the expected and my clothes are getting big on me so looks like all have to get new ones YAY.... ummmmmmmmm on a bigger note.... 2 guys came into the pic within 2 day of one another.....this one guy lives in hayward.... he said he recall me from san jose state we had a class together..... well it turn out that hes liked me and was shocked when we saw my myspace and saw that it was single.... so I approve his add and we start talking..... I took my chances and went to see him....hes sweet like me and it turns out hes a nurse too.... go figure.... he takes me to starbucks and then we had dinner at cheese cake factory in good old San Fran..... I drive home that night and he call me as im driving home end up talking to him for a good 2 hours.... wow.....

guy #2 lives on the other side of town I saw him at ballys a few times and thought he was gay..... my personal trainer starr thought that too..... so I was off from work one night and was looking at peeps on myspace..... well I saw him on there and said HI...... so messages were send back and forth on myspace again..... then we stop talking for a bit till I sent him a message.... so I end up meeting him at the new starbucks... we talk for a good 2-3 hours which include borders and target and a work out together at ballys...... a few days later we go to teazer this tea place which is so good.... and had drinks at this really chil bar in the gay part.....then the next night he comes by my hose to walk my new puppy with me... then he had to go cuz it was late.... so the other day I go to a LGBT volley ball game with him.... I bring buddy with me and were talking he ends up coming over and we rent bride wars which was a good movie.... he has a bud lite lime and has dinner with me.... Im watching the movie and he starts to tickel my feet.... and I go please u cant make me laugh.... then it all started my face got red till I could not hold it anymore and bust out laughing..... he was like see u cant fool me.... I know.... dam.... WTF im easy to read huh?
so im hanging out with him again tonight he gets to meet my GFs...... the only thing is
he dated this one guy for 3 months and he got dumped and the guy just used him for sex... that was his only bf... so im not so sure about this..... im tired of things not working out..... I am not so sure what to do about both guys....

The guy I want

Sometimes I wonder if people listen to what I have to say, or even if what I say will stay.



I want that one guy who will listen to me, So this love can be.



I want that one guy who will always hold me when I cry, Or at least that one guy who will always try.



I want that one guy who will make me feel like the most beautiful
person they ever met, Or that one guy who wont treat me like their pet.




I want that one guy that looks me in the eyes, In a way different than all the other guys.



I want that one guy who calls me in the middle of the night just to say "Hi", Or that one guy that never wants to say "Bye".



I want that one guy who will make me fell like I never have before, Or
that one guy that wont care what other people have to say anymore.



I want that one guy who makes me open my eyes to see what life can
really be, But most of all all I want that one guy that wants me
because I'm me.

this is a poem I made in march of 09 just wanted to add it on here......




All the things we did together
I will remember them forever
I had so much fun with you
I will always remember you too
How you put smiles on my face
In my heart you will always have a place
I realized I've fallen hard
I think about you whenever I'm bored
Even when I'm not i still do
l now for sure my heart wanted you
But now its time to let go
that i finally know
the pain is just too hard
"let it stop" i beg the lord
seeing you day by day
i have to tell myself I'll be OK
but i know I'm not
inside me it hurts a lot
tears wont stop falling from my eyes
i just wish one day you can hear my cries
my eyes turn red
with me just crying on my bed
you can even see
the pain that runs inside me
maybe goodbye will be good
I'll let let go and forget you if i could